Mending a broken heart takes self-compassion. It can’t be rushed, and it might take some time, but healing is possible. Breakups usually aren’t easy, whether your ex-partner ended the relationship, or you did. Reminiscing about the happy moments during your time together can make the breakup hard to get past.
Whatever you’re feeling right now is normal, though — whether that’s loneliness, humiliation, rejection, disconnection, disappointment, or even relief.
To help you better navigate the healing process, I’ll explain why heartbreak is happening in the first place. We’ll also review some tips on how to move past it.
A psychotherapist based in Florida, Dr Dana Bottari says that at the start of a relationship, our thoughts tend to be happy and uplifting. “We may have felt good about ourselves — thoughts about the time our ex commented that we were beautiful or handsome or how much they loved us.”
However, when the relationship ends, your thoughts may be mixed. “We have the positive messages that were given by our ex, combined with perhaps our own judgmental thoughts that we are not good enough or thoughts that things never work out for us.”
Thoughts affect feelings, and feelings affect actions. When you’re feeling down, you may engage in behaviors you typically don’t. For example, you may skip showering or avoid getting together with friends and family. “You may now feel more alone than ever.” The details and circumstances of a breakup determine how you feel.
If you feel you’re leaving someone in a painful place after you end it, you may be ridden with guilt and sadness. If you’re the one who’s been broken up with, you may be in a state of shock and go through different phases of grief including anger, bargaining, depression, and anxiety.
As you cope with the loss of a relationship, these tips may help you on your journey to healing...
1.TAKE TIME TO GRIEVE
If possible, try to think of the loss of the relationship as a grieving process. Give yourself time. Do not try to find someone new right away. The best thing you can do is to try to honor your emotions and not judge your emotions.
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While some people take time to be alone, look inward, or see a therapist to work through the complicated emotions of a breakup, others may suppress painful feelings and jump into another relationship. That is never a good idea. You need time to heal what’s been shattered.
You need time to look within and take inventory of what patterns we may have taken into the relationship with us that no longer work. You need to tend to your wounded heart and take the time to allow the healing to happen with time, care, gentleness, and deeper self-understanding.
2. ACKNOLEDGE THOUGHT ABOUT YOUR FORMER PARTNER
When thoughts of your ex arise, try not to stop or block them. Instead, practice being a witness to these thoughts. When the thoughts come up, take a step back and acknowledge them.
You know you are experiencing them; they are passing through your mind. You observe them. You practice observing and letting them go. Don't single out a moment and mark it as more important as that spikes up a whole new level of emotions.
The minute you pay attention to one and label it as something ‘important,’ you are no longer witnessing them. You are now judging them. Judging brings more negative emotions since your expectations were not met and the thought of being fooled or taking for granted sets in.
3. EXPRESS YOUR NEEDS TO OTHERS
If you are having a hard time following through on commitments, try to share your feelings with others.
Try to reconsider your needs at this time and let others know what you are dealing with. Many people have felt the same way and will understand that you might need some time to return to your normal state.
You may find it helpful to talk to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist about emotions related to your breakup or ex-partner.
If you’re not comfortable sharing all of your feelings, consider writing them down or meditating on them. You can also engage in another project, such as painting, that may help you release what’s on your mind.
If you continue to feel overwhelmed by unwanted thoughts and emotions, consider staying away from places, music, and people who remind you of your ex for a little while. Is not always the case but continuous feelings overwhelmed by unwanted thoughts and emotions is a cause to stay away.
Try to go places that make you feel safe. Surround yourself with people that care about you. Go places that you have never been. Take a day trip and explore.
5. MAKE MEANING OF THE BREAKUP
If possible, try to make meaning of the relationship ending, or accept that there’s no meaning to why it ended.
Over time, you may come to realize that the end of your relationship was ultimately in your best interest. However, it is possible that you might not be able to find any positive in the relationship ending. Both are valid conclusions. Try to have faith and keep moving forward.
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