When you look at how compatible you were with your partner when started dating, you will never imagine that you would have any major disagreements. When you think about how willing you were to do whatever he/she desired and how he/she seemed to be willing to follow your suggestions and ideas, the thought of you ending up arguing with each other will never occur to you. The truth is, how you both understand each other could even be one of the things that attracted you both.
The truth is, there are no perfect people in a relationship who do not encounter conflicts. What we should know and understand is, we are individuals and as individuals we have different desires, different likes and dislikes, different things that irritate us and please us. If you do not get this in the first place, you might embrace the thought that you are with the wrong person when conflicts set in.
To be able to handle and resolve conflicts, first, we must begin by accepting the reality that we will have conflicts. Conflicts are not a sign that you are with the wrong person. They simply affirm that you are human. We all tend to assume that our ideas are the best ideas. What we fail to recognize is that our partner has the same opinion of their ideas. Their logic will not agree with our logic, and their emotions will not mirror our own.
Our ideas and perceptions of life are influenced by our history, our values, and our personality. And these factors are different for each of us. Some of our conflicts will be major; some of our conflicts will be minor. The conflict over how to sweep falls into the minor category. The conflict over whether or not to have a baby is definitely in the major league. Large or small, all conflicts have the potential of destroying an evening, a week, a month, or a lifetime.
On the other hand, conflicts have the potential of teaching us how to love, support, and encourage each other. This is by far the better road to travel. The difference is in how you process the conflicts. Once you have accepted the reality of conflicts, you need to discover a healthy plan for processing your conflicts. Such a plan begins with recognizing the need to listen. When most of us have conflicts, we feel the need to talk, but talking without listening leads to arguments. The most important need is the need to listen.
By giving your partner listening ears, you are showing genuine respect to them and giving them the full freedom to think their own thought and express themselves. This takes away the adversarial atmosphere in resolving conflicts and create an atmosphere of friendship. After you have heard and affirmed each other’s ideas, you are now ready to look for a solution to the conflict. The big word in finding a solution is “compromise.” Often, we think of the word compromise as a negative word. People are often warned about compromising their values or beliefs.
However, compromise in a relationship is not only positive but it is necessary. Compromise means to find a meeting place. It requires each of you to be willing to give up something in order to have harmony in the relationship. Compromising in a relationship works in three ways.
Sometimes you may be required to both give up on your ideas and agree on something that works for you both which is called "meeting in the middle". In some cases, you may require giving up on your ideas and agree with your partner called "meeting on your side" and the last you both agreeing to put a pause on what you are disagreeing on at the moment and agree to revisit it later which is also called "meeting later".
If, on the other hand, we both insist on having our way, then we are back in the argument mode. In relationship it is never “having my way.” It is rather discovering “our” way.
Ref: Gary Chapman Ph.D., (Things I wish I'd known be marriage)
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