Just as we have language of love, so as we have language of apology. I'm really going to be brief about this topic. What we need to know and understand is, what one person considers to be an apology is not what another person considers to be an apology. Thus, partners often miss each other in their efforts to apologize. He says, “I’m sorry.” She is thinking, “You certainly are. Now, is there anything else you would like to say?” She is waiting for an apology; he thinks he has already apologized. And this is where things sometimes get complicated. Without your partner getting an apology which is meaningful to them, there can never be a genuine forgiveness.
Typically, we learn our apology language from our parents. Example, little Kwaku hits his sister, and his mom tells him, don't hit your sister. Now go tell her you are sorry. little Kwaku says to his sister "I'm sorry". Kwaku will grow up with this and may be confused when his partner does not freely forgive him when he says "I'm sorry" when he offends her. However, his wife had a different mother. Her mother taught her to say, “I was wrong. Will you please forgive me?” This is what she is waiting for Kwaku to say. In her mind “I’m sorry” does not qualify as an apology. So, partners often miss each other in their efforts to apologize.
Here is a brief summary of the five apology languages that was discovered by Dr. Jennifer Thomas and Dr Gary Chapman in their research.
1. Expressing regret
“I’m sorry” may well be the first words in expressing this apology language. However, you need to tell what you are sorry for. The words “I’m sorry,” spoken alone, are much too general. For example, you might say, “I am sorry that I lost my temper and raised my voice. I know I came across very harsh and that I hurt you deeply. A husband should never talk that way to his wife. I feel like I have demeaned you. You must be hurting deeply, and I am so sorry that I hurt you.”
This apology language is an emotional language. It is seeking to express to the other person your emotional pain that your words or behavior have hurt them deeply. If this is the apology language of the person you have offended, what they want to know is, “Do you understand how deeply your behavior has hurt me?” Anything short of this kind of apology will seem empty to them.
2. Accepting Responsibility
This apology begins with the words “I was wrong,” and then goes on to explain what was wrong about your behavior. For example, “The way I talked to you was wrong. It is not loving or kind to raise my voice and speak harshly to you. I should not have allowed my temper to get out of control. I’m not blaming you. I’m accepting responsibility for my behavior, and I know it was wrong.”
The person whose primary apology language is “accepting responsibility” is waiting to hear you admit your behavior was wrong. For this person, saying “I’m sorry” will never sound like an apology. They want you to be willing to accept responsibility for what you did or said and acknowledge that it was wrong.
3. Making restitution
This apology language seeks to “make it right.” For example, a husband who forgot their wedding anniversary may say, “I know that I’ve really blown it. I can’t believe that I actually forgot our anniversary. What kind of husband is that? I know that I can’t undo what I have done but I would like an opportunity to make it up to you. I want you to think about it and let me know what I could do to make things right with you. We can go anywhere or do anything. You deserve the best and I want to give it to you.” If “making restitution” is his wife’s primary apology language, you can bet she will have an idea of what he can do to make things right.
For the person whose primary apology language is “making restitution,” what they really want to know is “Do you still love me?” Your behavior seems so unloving to them that they wonder how you could love them and do what you did. Thus, what they request of you may well be in keeping with their love language.
If their primary love language is physical touch, they may simply say to you “Would you just hold me, or could we make love?”
If, on the other hand, receiving gifts is their love language, they will likely request a gift that they had wanted, which to them would genuinely express your love.
If acts of service is their love language, they may say “The greatest thing you could do to make it right with me is to clean out the garage.”
If quality time is their primary love language, they may well request a weekend away just the two of you.
The person for whom words of affirmation is their love language will ask you to verbally affirm your love. They may say “Could you just write me a love letter and tell me why you love me and how much you love me?” To them, words speak louder than actions.
4. Genuinely expressing the desire to change your behavior
This apology seeks to come up with a plan to keep the bad behavior from reoccurring. For example, a man who “lost his temper again” may say, “I don’t like this about me. This is not good. I know I did the same thing last week. This has got to stop. You deserve better than this. Can you help me think what I can do to make sure that this doesn’t happen again?” His desire for change communicates to his wife that he is sincerely apologizing.
In some people’s eyes, if your apology does not include a desire to change your behavior, you have not truly apologized. Whatever else you say, they do not see it as being sincere. In their minds, if you are really apologizing, you will seek to change your behavior.
5. Requesting forgiveness
“Will you please forgive me?” These words are music to the ears of the person whose primary apology language is “requesting forgiveness.” In their mind, if you are sincere, you will ask them to forgive you. This is what an apology is all about. You have hurt them, and they want to know, “Do you want to be forgiven? Do you want to remove the barrier that your behavior has caused?” Requesting forgiveness is what touches their heart and rings of sincerity.
when partners learn how to apologize in a manner that is meaningful to the other person, they make forgiveness much easier. What most people want to know when you are attempting to apologize is “Are you sincere?” However, they judge your sincerity by whether or not you are speaking what to them is a genuine apology. That means you must learn to speak your apology in their primary apology language. When you do, they sense your real sincerity.
Ref: Dr Gary Chapman, Dr Jennifer Thomas (The 5 Languages of Apology)
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